Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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