it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
