Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
