My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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