please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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