She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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