i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
