Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
