She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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