he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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