I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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