Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
