People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
