In the future we'll all be gay
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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