Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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