Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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