Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
