I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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