I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
