He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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