what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
did i just pee glitter
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