I hate your face
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
