If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
