I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
