I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
