I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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