I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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