I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
