she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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