By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
