I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
