So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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