tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
