Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
