Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
