When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
