maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
