You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
