it was like his penis was on wheels.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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