I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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