dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
