I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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