Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
