I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
