Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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