im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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