I'm going to jail i love you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
