I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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