his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
