Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
