now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
