I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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