I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
