my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
