So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
