I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
