Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
