that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
