before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
