You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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